Changes

Dang. It's been a while since I've written on this thing. I actually am trying to figure out how to cancel my profile, but I don't know how. So...one last entry before I delete it.  Updates since the last entry:

Tito was diagnosed with cancer October 2006, healed February 2007, and finished chemo in April 2007.  It was a trying 8 months filled with many many tears and laughs.  God brought us through it, and we are stronger than ever today.  And now......

Tito and I are now engaged! :)  We dated for 3 years and 7 months to the day when we got engaged.  He proposed February 13th, 2008, and I, of course, said yes!  We are planning for a summer 2009 wedding and thrilled about it.

I am graduating in 3 weeks and PUMPED for it.  Cannot wait.

Welp, now I'ma try to find how to delete this thing.

Peace.

4 days til Christmas....I love the anticipation. 

I miss my baby....can't wait to see him in 5 days....I hate the waiting.

There are so many things I can't wait for.  Sometimes it's so bad that I live in worry of when these things are going to happen, focusing on the future, instead of living in the present.  Although preparing for the future is a good thing, obsessing about it is unhealthy.  Yes, I will be a super senior and won't graduate til 2008 now, and yes that makes me anxious and antsy because I will be ready to leave in 07.  No, I won't be getting married as soon as I want to because of school and financial issues.  I don't want to wait; I don't want to be 24 when I get married.  So many other things that I worry over keep me in a constant state of anxiousness and irritation.  That is not good.  I read Scriptures that tell us to be slow to anger and to be patient.  I want to wait on the Lord, because I know His timing is best.  He knows what I can handle and when I need things.  I do not doubt His ability to provide.  I just live in the never-pleased state.  I need to change that.  This New Years will begin with a new chance for me to be happier, for me to let go of the worries of the future and just live in the now (while preparing for my future). 

Sometimes I hate being how I am.  Can I really help it?  Is it just WHO I am no matter what?  I mean, other than improving a little here and there, is this who I am going to be for the rest of my life: stubborn, easily irritated, angry, and too quick to speak?  In Romans 7 it says, "

      ¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 ²¹So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am!

That is exactly how I feel!  I speak my mind before knowing what is really bothering me, and I end up insulting those I love the most.  I hate myself sometimes.  I realize no one's perfect and we all make mistakes, but geez, I need to show some mercy and understanding and quit expectin' others to be perfect.  I'm really sick and tired of always overreacting and exploding then hating myself afterwards because I did that.  I hate that burning sensation in my stomach when I'm mad and frustrated beyond anything.  Lord, help me. 

Four finals are done. One more to go tomorrow morning. Today is hardcore cleaning day and studying.  Then Tito comes.  Then I take my last final tomorrow. Then I go home.  I'm excited to go home for the fact that I won't have any school to worry about for 37 days.  However, sometimes I don't like being home because it's "home" but I don't have friends there and Mimi will be goin out every day with one of her many friends from HS.  I just don't wanna get bored or lonely.  Hopefully most of my time will be spent with Tito...otherwise I'll just have to find something to do--like sort drawers, read books...and whatever else.  I really shouldn't be worried about it, and I'm not.  I know there's some people that understand where I'm comin from.  I"m just glad that Tito and I are going to NY for the last week of our break.  It's gonna be somethin that keeps me excited even after Christmas. 

I bought another Betta fish the other day (Betta Jr. since the one I had for one week at Houghton died, R.I.P).  Mimi got four dwarf puffer fish from Sara for Christmas.  It's been in the 20's here and the roads were so icey that some of the high ways closed down and finals were delayed.  I guess it's understandable cuz it really is bad, but Texans honestly freak out about the tiniest bit of "bad" weather.  Shooooot, Houghton had four feet of snow and black ice and none of our classes were ever cancelled.  Tsssss. 

I cannot wait for the new year.  There are going to be some big resolutions and goals set and hopefully kept.  Not meaningless little ones either like "eat less chocolate."  Big ones.  Ones that need to no longer be delayed...and I hate that I'm like "waiting" for the new year to do that--cuz I should be making those decisions right now.  But I'm not.